Elvis, Feeder, Finley Quaye, Sum41, Limp Bizkit, Razorlight, Ash, Jack Johnson, Lostprophets, Queens of the Stone age, Embrace, N*E*R*D, Straylight Run, Franz Ferdinand, Snow Patrol, Audioslave, The Strokes, Jay-z, The Killers, , Foo Fighters, Eminem(only his old stuff), Jin, U2, The Secret Machines, Eagle Eye Cherry, Maximo Park, Bloc Party, Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Rage Against the Machine
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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch, it doesn't have any feet or legs, he exclaimed, "Bloody hell, I wonder what happened to this poor little bugger?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Wow," the man replies. "you actually understood, and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." The man asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook, you can't see my todger because my feathers hide it" "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand what I am saying to you can't you"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, - politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy, I'm especially good at ornithology, you really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the £250 price tag. "sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet, you can probably get me for £100 just make the shop keeper an offer!"
So the man offers £100 and walks out of the shop with the parrot.
Weeks go by, and the parrot is sensational, has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, and is a great pal, he understands everything, the new owner is over the moon.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot."WHAT!" the man exclaimed, and she let him?"
"Yes, then he removed her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....
The frantic man demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied, "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch". "We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're sh*tting in bed again!"
Have a good one tonight and it turns out that I'm heading out so if I see ya I will buy you that drink or two...that is if you aint smashed already or I could shout you a £5 bet at the casino hehe.
I'll see if cuthell n speirsy are up fur commin up fur a weekend at some point man come see yees all man lol ttl rip it up napa style lol
night life has bin pretty shit since we got back tae be honest lol still comparing it tae napa really mind u...there is actually a new night club that opened like 2 or 3 weeks ago which av no bombscared yet n its payday on friday so it could be a possibillity lol see wit happens lol
what bout how u found it since gettin back?
1 day ago
Papa Rollins
Wits happnin ricky man...u bin up tae much mate?
Frezzera'
yo man
yo gonna show me some skills today yeah....?
hehe
later my friend
1 week ago
Leta Porterfield
Whats Up How are you doing cutie, Just wanna let you know that im live on cam right now, just copy and paste the link signup for free and ill give you a show babe! i-am-on-cam.com cya
Miriam Elvira
i know you Amaris Bebo is being stupid! I cant upload my pics for some reason. Hit me up on msn messenger jane22pink@live.com talk to you later
Kayleigh D
Heyaa .. yehh aint bad, urself?.. just having a boring and thoroughly skint summer .. yehh ive still got more pics from emmas camera too but the albums managed to bugger thmselves up whn i tryed uploading thm before. I am actually still miffed about being home... keep thinkin of nxt yr n the fact i'll be there all summer, i cnt wait
x
3 weeks ago
Ashlee Reese
bsk I'M ON WEBCAM!!!!! [ WWW . LIVECAMPROFILEZ.COM ] 939 arm
Lukey Parsons
Is it true Gav Chalmers blew his load watching meatspin? xxx
4 weeks ago
Jordan Leckie
I never put up the ones of ramages n singers willie though i had a request not 2 put them up plans this weekend.....anythin exciting? wb x
- Gerry and the pacemaker
plans this weekend.....anythin exciting? wb x
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